"I know Dad died this year, but we have to put up the tree and decorate the house!"

"Sure our Mom died, but we still have to come to your house for Christmas. It won't be Christmas unless we come to your house!"

"I don't have the energy to shop after this fall's surgery but I have to shop and buy all those presents. The family is counting on me!"

"I know that Christmas Eve for mass but there are too many memories this year without Grandma there - I don't want to go!"

Every holiday season, families go through these kinds of discussions.

I hear them in my office and in people's homes as I visit them about their griefs.

We feel that we are bound by the traditions and rituals of our family.

Here are some thoughts:

* People are created for rituals and traditions; ritruals and traditions are not created for people. We don't have to prisoners of past ways of doing the holidays.

* Self-care means that we pay more attention to ourself than we do to the expectations of others. At the first Christmas season following her husband's death, one woman decided to go to Disneyland with her sisters. She decided she wasn't dishonoring her husband by taking care of herself. I have heard of other widows and widowers who went on cruises during the holiday season following their spouses' deaths.

* Frank declarations of our lack of energy following the experience of loss are needed if we are going to take care of ourselves. "I don't have the energy to host the whole family." "I don't have the energy to decorate like I used to." These declarations may come as a shock to our loved ones, but they are necessary if we are going to experience ongoing healing.

* If we do decide to attend worship services in this season, we need to prepare ourselves for the possibility of dealing with people's comments, e.g. "How are you doing?", and with encountering sights and sounds which will remind us of our loved one.

I was sitting in a church service one year when the congregation began singing, 'Away in a Manger'. Suddenly I was overcome by grief. I quickly realized that I was grieving a two year old child who had died three years previously. (My wife babysat this child and in the Christmas season prior to her murder, her favorite carol was Away in a Manger.)

Be prepared for these moments. You may even want to sit near an exit so you can excuse yourself if you worry about becoming overwhelmed by the sights and sounds of the service.

* Our loved one would want us to care for ourselves in this season. Perhaps this holiday was treasured by our loved one; our loved one would not want us to be put into turmoil because of the season. Our loved one would admire and support our courage to deal with this holiday in a way which expressed love for ourselves.

If you are struggling with this holiday season, realize that you have permission to tell this lie to go to hell - I have to celebrate the Holidays!

(c) Ronald Friesen 2007