"How many times do I have to tell you to stop chewing your nails?"

Has anyone ever said this to you?

Have you ever said it to someone else?

I am learning more about 'self-comfort' these days. Self-comfort isn't about indulgence - it is how we instinctually care for ourselves.

The other day a fellow counselor shared how his client was chewing his nails in the session. Traditional counseling (and parenting) might point this out to the client and tell him to stop.

It has come to my attention that chewing one's fingernails is a form of self-comfort.

If this is the case, then reprimanding someone for comforting themselves doesn't really work. Everyone needs some way to take care of themselves. Some people tap their foot, some tap the table, some play with their hair, some rub their leg or arm, some chew gum.
Everyone has some way to taking care of themselves, especially, when they feel anxious.

So here is how I would discuss this form of self-care with a client:

'I notice you are taking care of yourself today. It's hard talking about this stuff, isn't it?'

(Pause - at this point the client might ask, what do you mean? or just sit and looked puzzled.)

"I see that you are taking care of your anxiety by chewing your nails. I think it is important for us to take care of ourselves when we are anxious. Do you do this often?'

Following a discussion of this behavior and other behaviors which client might use to take care of himself - the client might be asked if they would like to learn other self-care methods.

How do you take care of yourself?

Have people ever tried to talk you out of the ways that you take care of yourself?

We all have ways to take care of ourselves. If we don't like our current way of doing so, we can find new ways.

Tell this lie to go to hell - "You have to stop chewing your nails!"

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen