"Have you noticed when women grieve they cry and when men grieve they just sit."

"Men and women are just different - so they express their grief differently."

There is a common belief that men grieve differently than women.

It is believed that because men are socialized differently as children that they handle loss differently than women.

What researchers are finding is that there is not 'a man's way to grieve' and 'a woman's way to grieve.'

The research says that there are two ways to grieve: active (also called instrumental grievers) and intuitive.

These two ways of grieving have nothing to do with being male or female; these two ways of grieving are expressions of our internal ways of handling life.

Active Grievers

People who are active grievers cannot sit still and cry. These are the people who immediately spring into action after the loss and begin taking care of the details. They start planning the arrangements. They talk to people, They go back to work. They begin taking care of disposing of the deceased possessions.

Active grievers are often misunderstood because they do not openly show their grief through tears. They are grieving; they do not express their grief through open emotional release.

Intuitive Grievers

People who are intuitive grievers often seem paralyzed by their loss. They will sit for hours and weep. They will will talk about their feelings, however, they feel a need to do this for many months and sometimes years. Intuitive grievers find it difficult to resume their lives after the death. They find themselves stuck in their pain.

Intuitive grievers are often frustrating to active grievers because they often appear to lack the energy or desire to move on. They are immobilized by their pain; they need patience and support from loved ones and friends.

When I first heard this description of these two kinds of grievers, I wondered what 'kind of griever am I?' When my friend, Ross, died, I found out my grief style.

I am an active or instrumental griever. I tried to sit down in the nursing home and reflect on Ross's life while I was awaiting the mortuary. I found that after about 3 minutes, I had to get up and start doing something. I began putting together Ross's belongs (I was his legal guardian so responsible for his earthly possessions.). I took the many pictures off the walls. I collected his clothes. I emptied the drawers into boxes. I am an active griever.

What kind of griever are you?

Tell this lie to go hell - Men grieve differently than women!

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen