"What do you mean I am angry?

"I'm not angry!"

(Meanwhile, my face is becoming redder, my heart is beating faster and my voice is getting louder).

Many of us were reared in families where anger was not allowed. Of course, we saw adults around us being angry, but anger was not an emotion we were allowed to express.

So why are we afraid to express our anger?

One reason we may be reluctant to express our anger is because when we saw anger expressed when we were children it was often frightening. Remember we were very little people and people much bigger than us were yelling, cursing, throwing things, punching walls and maybe, even people. We are afraid that if we express our anger openly we might behave in the same destructive ways that we saw adults in our childhood.

Another reason we may be reticent to openly express our anger is because we were taught it was wrong to show our anger or to even have angry feelings. For some of us there was even a veneer of religion thrown in - after all the Bible says, "don't be angry."

We need to understand that anger is a normal, human emotion. Everyone gets angry. It is not a sin to be angry; it is not a sin to show the world your anger. It is okay to be angry. We don't need to deny our anger.

Our anger is not the problem; it is how we express our anger that creates our problems. If we grew up in homes where we saw anger expressed in destructive and violent ways, we need to learn how to show anger in appropriate ways. The correct teaching of the Bible is "Be angry and don't sin when you demonstrate your anger." There is a correct and proper way to be angry, a way that will not violate people or God.

The proper way to express anger is first, to learn to say. "I am angry."

Second, having said, "I am angry", we need to explain in calm ways why we are angry. This is where we express assertiveness instead of aggressiveness. There is nothing wrong with being assertive; it is how we are assertive that invites trouble.

Many years ago I learned this very valuable lesson in assertiveness and aggressiveness. I was afraid of my anger (see first reason above) so I would hold in my anger. Unfortunately, all that happened was that I became more and more depressed. (One definition of depression is anger turned inward.) One weekend I attended some workshops on transforming anger put on by local instructors of non-violent communications (see: www.cnvc.org). I learned that the reason I was feeling angry feelings is because my needs were not being met. As I learned how to express my needs in constructive ways, I learned that I could express my anger feelings in assertive ways without destroying others or myself.

I learned how to express my anger appropriately and assertively.

I no longer have to tell a lie: "I am NOT angry!"