"I can't help myself!"

"I can't change!"

"I have been this way all of my life and I can't be any different!"

We have all heard people make these kinds of comments. We may even have said these thinks ourselves.

I have some good news for you and me! We can change!

I recently attended a conference for marriage and family therapists in Anaheim, CA. One of the presenters was Daniel Siegel, MD of UCLA. Dr. Siegel has written a groundbreaking work on the mind called, The Developing Mind.

This is the concluding paragraph of an article by Dr. Siegel,

"Attachment research suggests that the mind may continue to develop in response to emotional relationships throughout the lifespan (Lichtenstein-Phelps, Belsky, &Crnic, 1998). These changes in the internal mental models of attachment may be mediated by continuing openness of the brain to change in response to experience. Thus, the possibility remains that ongoing experiences, especially those involving the basic aspects of secure attachments described earlier, may enable some individuals to acquire a more richly developed capacity for neural integration. These basic relationship components include collaborative communication, reflective dialogue, interactive repair, coherent narrativization, and emotional communication. The hope is that interpersonal experiences that involve these basic components will offer respect for the individual’s subjective experience within emotionally engaging relationships. Relationships such as those of family, friends, psychotherapy, and the collaborative environment of nurturing communities might facilitate the development of flexible self-regulation and a more integrated way of life for all ages. If we can find a way to facilitate neural integration within the minds of individuals across the lifespan, we may be able to promote a more compassionate world of human connections." copied from Siegel DJ: Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment relationships, “mindsight,” and neural integration. Infant Mental Health Journal, Special Edition on Contributions of the Decade of the Brain to Infant Psychiatry, 22:67-94. (2001).

All of those $25 dollars words summed say this: There is a possibilty for change in our way of acting and being for all of us throughout our lives through postive relationships. Postive relationships have the capacity to actually change our neuro pathways and to change our basic feelings, perception, thinking and ultimately, change how we behave.

So how do we change ourselves?

First, we have decide we want to change - we have to make a conscious descision to want to be different.

Second, we need to give attention to the life-giving, positive interactions we have everyday. The key word here is 'attention'. Do you and I hear the compliment? Do we really see the smile on our friend's face? Do we receive and reinforce the positive input we are given every day. (If we are finding it difficult to find such positive interation, we may need to find other avenues to give it to us).

Third, we need to reinforce the positive message through physical response or reinforcement. For example, if someone smiles, you smile back. If someone gives you a compliment, you may put your hand on their shoulder when you say, 'thank you'. By the way, if you are the giver of the compliment you may want to touch the person you are complimenting to reinforce the compliment.

Fourth, meditation opens new neuro pathways which allows us to recieve new ideas and thoughts. Meditation may be through reading, listening to music or simply sitting and contemplating a scene in a picture. Research is showing the meditation creates new pathways in the brain which create peace and harmony as opposed to chaos and conflict.

Tell this lie to go to hell: "I can never change!"

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen