"If I forgive him for the abuse, that means I am saying everything is OK!"
"If I forgive her for her thievery, that means I have to let her back into my life!"
"If I forgive him for his lies, that means I have to trust him again!"
There are many misconceptions about forgiveness - one of the biggest lies people believe about forgiveness is that by forgiving the offender I am have to re-establish a relationship with the offender. People believe that forgiveness means that I allow the offender back into my life at the same degree of openness and vulnerability I had before the rupture.
We come about this misunderstanding of forgiveness from our childhood playground experience.
Remember when little Johnny punched us in the face or tripped us? The teacher brought Johnny to us and told him to apologize. Johnny says, "I am sorry." Then the teacher told us to say, "I forgive you, Johnny." So we did and then usually, the teacher told us to shake hands. And so we did. Then the teacher said something like, "Now go and play together!"
We were expected to go and play like nothing happened.
In our adult life we are faced with violations as significant or severe as the incident in the playground. Again we think that we HAVE to forgive and make up and act like nothing happened.
I believe that this is a gross misunderstanding of what forgiveness is.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to put myself in a situation where I have to harmed, abused, hurt or taken advantage of by the offender or abuser.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the other person did is somehow dismissed or forgotten.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to trust the offender or abuser again in my life or the lives of my loved ones.
Forgiveness is not about 'letting go of the past' or 'forgetting the past'.
Forgiveness is about deciding to no longer play judge and jury of the offender.
Forgiveness is about letting go of the resentment I hold at the offender.
Forgiveness is about refusing to let the hurt of the past eat like a cancer in your soul.
Forgiveness is about turning the energy I am using to 'beat the offender up in my head and heart' into creative energy which loves and honors those worthy of my love and honor.
Forgiveness is about remembering that I will not let down my guard so I can be abused or offended again.
Forgiveness is about saying to the offender, "What you did hurt me, it burned a hole in my soul. I want you to know that you have deeply wounded you. I do not trust you and I probably never will. I choose this day to release my anger toward you. I will use my energy and strength to bring healing to myself."
Today is a good day to Send This Lie to Hell: Forgiveness means that Everything is OK now!
(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen
| | Posted by AZRON at 12:15 AM - | |
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Love is about respect not what we can do for each other.
Forgiveness is for the forgiver and not for the one forgiven.
Good stuff.
I like that truth, "forgiveness is for the forgiver, not for the forgiven'.
Thank you for the affirmation!
Cheers.
Thank you for the affirmation! Yes, unforgiveness ties us to our offender! Forgiveness - letting go - means we are no longer tied to him or her!
Blessings,
ron
People don't realize this either. One usually thinks that if you forgive them, then it's over & like it didn't happen. Not true. Forgiveness is releasing yourself of the anger/hurt towards that person - to relieve YOU. It doesn't mean that you've forgotten your hurt, the transgression or the one who caused it.
Sometimes you must make the decision to remove toxic people from your everyday life. It's hard, but there are times that it must be done.
Holding on to anger & keeping a grudge only hurts the person that is angry. It's builds up until you can either explode or will manifest itself in stress, etc. The person you're angry with doesn't feel your anger personally as pain like you do. Let it go. Let go & let God!
Wonderful post, Ron (as usual) & so informative!!
You have analyzed the situation correctly! Forgiveness is for the forgiver!
Many years ago a person came to be and said, "I've been angry at you for a year!" Well, I didn't know this. I had not lost any sleep over her anger!
I am glad to hear that you have worked through understanding the meaning and importance of forgiveness for yourself.
Thanks for the affiramtion, too!
ron
When I decided to let it go, I first had to forgive myself in realizing that there was nothing I could have done, I was a kid. And the second was telling those involved that I had forgiven them. Some have insisted that they did nothing wrong, it was someone else, but I was not looking for an apology, I was looking to get rid of my anger towards them so I could move on with my walk in the Lord.
I have since patched some of the relationships from that time, but I am guarded not to let them have control of anything so that the same thing doesn't happen. I agree with you Ron, this does not mean I haven't forgiven them, I have no strife in my heart for them or what they did. I think it is wise in certain situations to be careful like that.
If a thief steals from your home, you can learn to forgive them from stealing your property and your security as well. But you would not be wise to leave them alone in your house again. Forgiveness is not Forgetting. It is remembering without anger or harm towards that person.
Great post and excellent post Ron!!
Keep up the good work!!
Rev
You wrote, "Forgiveness is not Forgetting. It is remembering without anger or harm towards that person."
You are so right on with this! It sounds like you are a growing maturing person in the faith. I am sure you have some scars to show for it too!
Thanks for coming and sharing your experience and your wisdom.
blessings
ron
I think I told you this before but I had a friend who stayed with her severely abusive husband for TWENTY years because she thought she was supposed to. When she finally left, she still let him come over and see the kids who were teenagers at the time.
I was there one time when he was there. She treated him better than I even treat Mr. Hope sometimes! She was AWESOME to him! I asked her later how she could be that way with him. She said that she forgave him, but she would never forget what he did to her because she loved him so much, even NOW, that if she ever forgot she would go back to the abuse.
That was really a revelation to me. God can forget our sin because He is God. But He gave us a memory for a reason, right, AZRON?
You are right on! Your friend had it right! What a grace-filled woman she was to show such kindness to this man! Who knows maybe some day his hard heart will be turned towards the love of God!
ron
I just heard a speaker this weekend talk about forgiving ourselves - He said he said that he didn't really believe in forgiving ourselves - at least not in the way most people think of it - I don't have time this am to look up my notes - but I will do so and perhaps post a blog about forgiving ourselves.
ron