"I have a right to be resentful about how my parents raised me!"
"I have a right to be resentful because I never get any breaks!"
"I have a right to be resentful because others are always getting treated better than me!"
Resentment! That nagging, gut-clogging, mind-numbing feeling we have that life and people are treating us unfairly.
Resentment can feel good. Resentment seems to give us a way to deal with life's injustices. We keep reminding ourselves that we deserve better. We tell ourselves that our lives would be better today if people and circumstances of the past had treated us differently.We feel that we can excuse ourselves and our present life situation because other people and circumstances are to blame for our present experience. We feel justified in owning and claiming our resentments.
Resentments can also be paralyzing. Often we lock ourselves into present circumstances because our need to bear resentment seems to freeze our capacity to think creatively about our lives. After all our present has been determined by our past! Not only are our circumstances frozen but so are our relationships. People cannot change for us. They did it to us one (well, maybe twice) and we not let them nor ourselves forget. (We are not talking about abuse of a child by an adult - that is a different situation.) We are talking about the teacher who didn't praise our efforts in drama, or the coach who didn't play us as often as we would have wished, or the parent who put down every idea we ever had. We are talking about the boss who gave the promotion to our co-worker. These people are frozen in our minds.
Interestingly, resentment is recognized in Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 step program as one of the key character flaws which hinders recovery from addiction. People who harbor resentment in their minds and hearts are drawn toward addictive behaviors. There are a few theories about why this might be. One theory is that our addictions sooth us from the hurts of the past. Our addiction is our way of self-medicating the woundedness of our souls. So whenever we remind ourselves about how life has been unfair to us we 'pick up and use'.
So the key to sobriety - both in terms of addictive behavior and resentment - is to deal with the resentments of our lives.
We deal with resentment in three ways: Grieving, Forgiving and Reinvesting.
Grieving. The person or situation that resent let us down. They failed us. We didn't get our just desserts. We cannot undo the past, but we can grieve it. We can weep over it. Some people write letters (not be mailed) to the persons who they resent. Some people find a trusted friend or counselor to talk to about their griefs.
Forgiving. Releasing the person or situation through forgiveness means that we no longer judge them for their failure to meet our expectation or need. We decide that life is too short to daily play judge and jury over people who harmed us.
Finally, we reinvest our energy into the present circumstances of our lives. We reinvest the energy we used to use to beat up those who hurt us to make new opportunities. We no longer rely on hurtful addictive patterns to sooth our pain and we rely on our new found creative energy to make new lives.
Many years ago I was looking for a job. As I applied for new positions, I found myself cut off at the pass. I couldn't get any interviews. In my frustration I went to a trusted colleague. I found out that a supervisor in another jurisdiction who only know me from some of my work decided to blacklist me. I was on his hit list! I finally did get a position - but not anything like I thought I should have been able to land. For many years I held a quiet but bitter resentment toward this man. One day as life was going better I was with a group of friends and I found myself saying how thankful I was that I had been once on a blacklist because if I hadn't been on that list, I probably would never have landed in Phoenix, AZ and met all of them.
If there are people or situations in your life that fill you with resentment, I invite you to send this habit to hell - "I have a right to be resentful."
(c)2007 Ronald Friesen
| | Posted by AZRON at 11:09 PM - | |
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You said it all when you said ...
"Interestingly, resentment is recognized in Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 step program as one of the key character flaws which hinders recovery from addiction. People who harbor resentment in their minds and hearts are drawn toward addictive behaviors. There are a few theories about why this might be. One theory is that our addictions sooth us from the hurts of the past. Our addiction is our way of self-medicating the woundedness of our souls. So whenever we remind ourselves about how life has been unfair to us we 'pick up and use'.
So the key to sobriety - both in terms of addictive behavior and resentment - is to deal with the resentments of our lives.
We deal with resentment in three ways: Grieving, Forgiving and Reinvesting."
It can be an unending tape loop, can't it? Like wondering what came first, the chicken or the egg ... It's sometimes hard for me to separate what came first ... the resentment or the addictive behavior or the resentment or the addictive behavior!
I haven't dealt with all the resentments in my life but I have a lot less than what I used to! Thank you Lord! Instead of letting them rule my life, I apply the serenity prayer (also borrowed from alcoholics anonymous" ...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!
This is an interesting series. I am going to have to come back and read this more later. Thanks for sharing it!
Hugggggggggggggggggz to you and June!
Taylor
Our addictive patterns can cause situations which cause more resentment - however, I am of the mind that there was an original resentment first - then we became addicted to being resentful - and then we became addicted to some self-soothing behavior which made us feel better when our resentments stuck up their ugly head!
ron
Is the serendipity prayer like the serenity prayer? Sounds like everything happens for a reason?
I don't think I was or am addicted to resentment. I was addicted to the ones who I resented. They hooked me into their stuff and I went along willingly until I got resentful. In fact, anger and resentment sometimes gave me the strength to GET AWAY from the person or thing that was hurting me.
As a tool to get away, anger can be useful ... but holding unto the anger and resentment after we are away can certainly weigh us down. Those old survival skills just aren't necessary anymore, but now, we are talking about something different entirely ... Sorry, I drifted off the subject. I'm tired ... I'll have to pick this back up in the a.m. when I my mind is fresh.
Good Nite Ron,
Taylor
Thanks for coming and the comments.
I think the addictions come second because they are a way of coping with our inner hurts. We need self-soothing aids to deal with our inner wounds.
(BTW, I don't use the label, 'addict' or 'alcoholic' - I don't find those words helpful - in fact, they are labels instead of descriptions of behavior. So I talk about addictive behavior or patterns of destructive behavior instead of the other terms.)
I use the Serenity prayer with lots of people esp. junior hi and senior hi teens.
Thanks again for your comments and dialogue.
cheers.
Well, first I see I wrote Serendipity prayer - I meant to write Serenity prayer! I must have been tired last night, too.
Anger and Addiction go hand in hand. In fact, there is at least a few books that have pointed that out. One is actually called Anger and Addiciton - it is a very good book. (Anger & Addiction: Breaking the Relapse Cycle a Teaching Guide for Professionals by Jo Clancy),
I think that anger and resentment are also tied in to each other. I think that those two often feed off each other.
Thanks for the dialogue.
Have a great MLK day!
ron
I thought a serendipity prayer sounded like a good idea!
The lies we tell ourselves like, "I have a right to feel ... blah-blah-blah" sure do create a lot of heartache for us. That's what I have been talking about over at my place ... the negative "agreements" we make with ourselves that wreak havoc on our selves and the people close to us.
What I meant by "not being able to tell which came first" is that ... one thing tumbles over another thing ... sometimes so fast, it is hard to figure out what started what ... We perceive something has happened. We react by feeling anger or resentment. That changes how we treat someone else. They perceive that something has happened. They react by feeling anger or resentment. and it becomes a continuous spiral downward ...
You and I know that we all have the power to change that cycle by changing how we choose to react. Again, The Four Agreements gave me a simplistic way of breaking those dynamics down and stopping myself from playing in the downward spirals ... not all the time ... but most of the time.
Today is your turn to make me think!
Hugggggggggggggggggggggz,
Taylor
Thanks for coming by and affirming these efforts to help folks move on with their lives!
Hope you are having a good day!
ron
Maybe I'll have to write a Serendipity prayer - maybe in 50 years it'll be as famous as the Serenity Prayer!
As to the cycle - you have a point that often events follow so quickly that we can't figure out the chicken and egg.
Are you familiar with the concept of figure-ground? Remember those pictures of the rabbit which if you look at another way it looks like an old woman, or the famous two vases that either you see two vases or two faces? The concept of figure-ground is that one recedes and the other dominates our mind's eyes. I think that resentment and anger are like that. We can focus on one or the other - and one recedes while the other comes forward in our feeling/thinking. So with anger and resentment - we focus on anger and resentment recedes and then we focus on resentment and anger recedes. They both exist at the same time but we give one or the other our attention.
Again thank you for a stimulating discussion.
Just a thought.
ron
First, You are welcome to vent here.
I would say that what I am saying here is not about abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual, verbal). (Note in my blog I exempted abuse from the resentment category)
Abuse is another level of behavior (often criminal category of behavior). I have written about abuse on other blogs and will address it again.
Also most people misunderstand forgiveness as meaning 'its okay' or 'i have to make up' or 'i have to let that person into my life' - none of those meanings are what I mean by forgiveness.
By all means, do not let the abuser back into your life or home.
Again, thanks for venting!
Ron
I came back to continue our conversation and got distracted by the one you're having now with vvvench (hope it's okay that I called you that for short).
I was abused and I was really mad for a while ... but my anger didn't really hurt him. It hurt me. It gave me a headache. It made me feel sick at my stomach. It used up all my energy ... and one day, I just let it go cause it wasn't worth it.
Here is what I have come to believe. I think that abusive people are abusive because every thing is out of control in their life and they're mad as hell about it. Deep down, they know they have a problem and that no one can ever really love them the way they are. They want attention. They want to be remembered. If they can't be loved forever, they'll settle for feared and hated, cause at least they are remembered!
Abusers suck. They hurt us physically. They hurt us mentally. They hurt us emotionally but they can't touch us spiritually. We survived them. We can survive their memory too.
Thinking of you and hoping for your healing,
Taylor
I have seen those pictures but I haven't heard them explained like that. Makes sense.
Would that be like feeling angry about something while walking through a flower garden ... The anger is there ... The flowers are there ... I can let the anger dominate my focus or I can stop and smell the roses. Right?
Still thinking ... I believe that there is healthy anger. I think it's healthy to let ourselves feel angry when we see or feel or even hear about an injustice. Feel it, absorb it, let it run THROUGH us and then, LET IT GO. I think it becomes UNHEALTHY when we try to hold unto it too long. Wouldn't you say so?
(note to vvvench ... I am not talking about when you have been directly harmed. There is a definate healing process and no one but you knows how long it takes to feel anger, sadness, grief or any thing else you want to feel. I felt more sadness than anger ... and then, I felt guilty about not getting over it quicker ... and a good friend said ... there's no set time frame. You will be over it when you are over it. They were right.)
Huggggggggggggggggggggz,
Taylor
You wrote,"faith is a "great deceiver" at times, has a way of promoting "head in the sand" "
I agree with you, Ven. People often allow 'faith' to deceive them. I have seen people use faith to defend abusers and to somehow feel that they have allow the abuse to happen or that they are the cause of the abuse. I have seen all of these arguments put out there by people 'of faith'. I have addressed these issues on this blog site and also my couchtalk. com and radicaldiscipleship.com blog sites.
In fact, I would say that when abuse is combined with spiritual words or rituals is doubly an experience of betrayal. After all the people who were supposed to protect me victimized me!
Also some people do put their 'head in the sand' because of their 'faith' perspective. They feel that their faith doesn't let them talk about the abuse. I find myself frequently challenging 'people of faith' who are using 'faith' as a cover-up.
Ven, you need to know that violence of any kind (and violence against women and children especially) is one of my driving forces - probably because I saw my mother be a victim of violence.
Thanks for listening. Please let us talk some more.
ron
ron
You wrote, "also, it is not my place to forgive him , he needs to find his own forgiveness for what he did to me, that is if and i repeat if, he has a conscience."
You are correct it is not your place to forgive him. You can only release him from your judgment and let him be judged by God (or your higher power).
I am with you - "May (God) have mercy on his soul!.
ron
I am sorry that you are among the many victims of abuse. It sounds like you have made the long journey down the path to healing.
May your words here and on your blog reach out the many hurting victims of violence and abuse.
Thank you for sharing your story of hope.
ron
I WAS a victim then. I AM a survivor now!!!
I guess I've even become an advocate, because as I healed, I realized how many more people are looking for healing too!
Huggggggggggggggggggggz,
Taylor
You sound like more than a survivor - you sound like a VICTOR!
Congrats! May your life be a constant inspiration to others out there who are caught in the abyss of violence and abuse!
ron
Abuse is about power and control and for many the more power and control (like a drug) they have the more they want and pity the victim who attempts to gain any control of their own life, the abuser will and does what ever to keep control from a victim
thank you , vick will do
You wrote,
"Abuse is about power and control and for many the more power and control (like a drug) they have the more they want and pity the victim who attempts to gain any control of their own life, the abuser will and does what ever to keep control from a victim."
You are absolutely right about this, Vic. Abuse is about power and control. Unfortunately, many adults who end up in abusive situations had their esteem downgraded and trampled on long before adulthood. This makes them even more vulnerable to further abuse.
I usually recognized these symptoms when I was a school counselor of elementary and middle-school children. One of my strategies was to help these children 'find their voice.'
They felt they had none so I had teach them how to have one. So they could learn to speak up with assertivess (not the same, btw, as aggressiveness).
thanks for coming by, vic.
Thanks for clearing the name thing up. I'd rather call you what you wanted to be called.
I think we are agreeing in general about abusers. You are describing the outside. I'm describing the inside. What I was saying is that no matter how calm, successful, rich, intelligent or powerful abusers are, they are TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL on the inside or they wouldn't need to control us so badly.
I'm really sorry that you were hurt.
Hugggggggggggggggggggz,
Taylor
(I sure am glad I was helped to learn how to leave my resentment of the past and move on and really live and enjoy my life).
I think you observation that the abuser is internally out of control - and compensates with being a controller of all those around him. Many abusers are very insecure people who seek security by controlling those around them.
Marilyn Murray's book, Prisoner of Another War, articulates the above thesis well. Check it out.
ron
Yes, resentment is a giant life-sucker. It is relentless in its efforts to destroy us and those around us! It takes a lot of strength to keep up the resentment. This means that many areas of our lives are left unnurtured or tended to because there is not energy for them! Glad you have learned how to set yourself free from the hungry animal of resentment!
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll check Amazon.com.
Speaking of prisoners ... Did you happen to catch Oprah yesterday? She interviewed the two boys from Missouri yesterday. I thought she did a pretty good job of not invading the kid's space and still making the point to all of us that if we think something isn't right, tell somebody. Report it to the police. Get involved.
She also said she wants to change law in every state that IF you are ever caught and tried for abuse to a child, you are locked up forever. First strike is first strike. An FBI guy talked very briefly about the high number of people who are repeat offenders.
I started to leave this message publicly but decided it might be upsetting to some folks since it is so recent. My favorite part was the when the two cops came in. They had done a good thing, but how often do cops get told that they have done a good thing? As a children's advocate, I observe a lot of interviews of children. There were some things about the interview with Sean that disturbed me. Obviously, it wasn't a forensic interview but the dynamic between him and his folks was ... (no words) ... I found myself praying for Sean and his parents and asking that they make the most of this new beginning.
Better get back to work. Hope you are having a sunny day! Huggggggggggggggggggggggz to you and June!
Taylor