"I have messed up my life, I deserve what I get."

"I am a terrible person, I deserve to beat myself up by remembering the awful things I did."

"My life is what it is, I can't change it."

"I have screwed up my life. I may as well screw it up some more!"

"If I had only...."

"If I could live my life over again...."

The ocean named 'Regret' is virtually fathomless. There are no end to its waves of remorse, pain, sorrow, grief, guilt, and shame. It is unrelenting in its surge to attempt to drown us. It feels bottomless when we try to get our footing on its shifting bottom. The moment we think we have grasped onto a piece of flotsam we are slammed by another wave.

Finding the sea of regret too great to overcome, we often succumb to its power and decide to drown our sorrows in

drugs
alcohol
destructive relationships
workaholism
toxic spirituality

We eventually wake up from these destructive choices, only to find more regret.

So how do we escape the ocean called regret?

First, we admit our condition. Unnamed demons have unlimited power in our lives. The day we name our problem, we begin to have the opportunity to tame its power over us.

Second, we begin to make an inventory of our regrets. Our regrets are tied to experiences, thoughts and feelings. What we thought and what we felt when we went through these experiences become our 'truths'. These truths (however illogical they appear to others) 'appear' logical to us. As we look at these experiences, we ask ourselves two questions: "What did I think or say to myself when that event happened?" and "What did I feel when that happened?"

Third, we begin to analyze the thoughts. For example, we might have thought, "I will always be a failure." Or we might have thought, "People will always take advantage of me."
We have allowed these thoughts or statements to become the ruling forces of our lives. Everything and everyone is judged by these statements. And, of course, they become 'true' for us.

Fourth, we now begin to challenge these truths. These statements usually have a generalization - they frequently include words like, 'always.' 'no one,' etc. So we ask ourselves: "Is this 'always' true?" (Here we may need a counselor to help us confront these statements.) There are usually several instances where the 'truth' has not been true. Write these down.

Fifth, we need to learn to forgive ourselves. Because we have often engaged in destructive patterns of behavior in trying to swim the ocean of regret, we have often reaped painful consequences. We have left in our wake financial and personal debts, broken relationships, ruined careers, wreck and ruin of all shapes and sizes. Forgiving ourselves means that we no longer judge ourselves or beat ourselves up for our choices. We were coping the best way we knew how at the moment. We accept responsibility for our choices. We make no excuses. At the same time, we choose to no longer allow these regrets to control our lives.

Sixth, we may need to make amends with those whose lives have been touched by our destructiveness. This may be through letters and/or personal contacts. Often the well-lived life is the best amend we can offer those we have hurt.

Practicing 'Just for Today' affirmations can help refocus our lives in more healthy streams.
("Just for Today" Affirmations are available through any of the 12 step programs in your community.)

We don't need to be caught in the endless waves of regret!

There is a bouy for us to grasp on to and we can send this life, "I am stuck in my regrets" to the hell it deserves!

(c)2007 Ronald Friesen