"If I had grown up in a different neighborhood, my life would have been better!"

"If I had had a chance to get a college education, my life would be different!

"If I would have had a different family, my life would have turned out differently."

"If I had married Harry instead of Jack, my life would be totally different."

How many time have you made these kinds of statement?

How many times have you heard other people make these kinds of statements?

Many people believe they are the victims of circumstance beyond their control.

Now it is true that where we were born, the family we were born into, the kind of education we received - these are realities beyond our control.

The issue is not what is beyond your control, the issue is this: what is in your control today!

Many people live in a pit of victimology. These people's favorite song is "Oh, poor me".
Life served me dirt and I am living in a dirtpile!

The impressive reality is that many people have had some of the most terrible circumstances and they find a different path.

"George" grew up in a family with little love. His childhood was so painful he never talked about it until a few months ago. He went through the motions of going to school but never learned to read. He was kicked to the curb about everywhere he went. After WWII, he was lucky enough to find a job. Given his limited educational experience, he was given warehouse work. One day he was standing by the exhaust vent from the building. The next thing he knew he was in the emergency room - he had suffered from carbon monoxcide poisoning. Miraculously he suffered no long term damage. He found a wife, "Tina", who had a little better education and she taught him to read. After learning to read, George and Tina decided to start a little radio program. They kept the radio program on the air for 45 years. George and Tina were blessed with four children. They weren't perfect children - they struggled with life - their only son spent many years in prison. The marriage struggled as Tina dealt with the fruits of her own sad childhood and the coincidental mental illness that accompanied it. George retired from his job at the warehouse and was given an adequate retirement income. George died this spring - with a smile on his face, a song on his lips and peace in his heart. Never once in the 25 years I knew George did he complain about being a victim of his childhood or the circumstances of his life. George learned everyday that he was in conrol of his life and attitude with which he would greet it!

George knew how to tell this lie to go to Hell - I am powerless over what life has served me!

(c) 2006 Ronald Friesen

I have met people who tell me the reason they don't want to deal with the pain in their lives is that the healing process will involve other people and those other people will be affected by this process. Here is my response:

I guess it would depend on what your definition of healing is. It is true that there are some pains that are so deep that to really do deep surgery would be to involve others and to potentially affect them. I would encourage you to read a powerful book by Marilyn Murray, Prisoner of Another War: A Remarkable Journey of Healing from Childhood Trauma. Marilyn talks about how her hidden pain was destroying her physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. While she was experiencing this pain she was viewed by all around her as a successful wife, businesswoman, Christian leader. People around her were only responding to her outer self - inwardly, Marilyn knew she was dying. One day she decided that it was time to find the source of inner pain. Through therapy she discovered she had been gang-raped by several adult men. As she went through the process of healing, she 'lost' her husband, her children, her church, her business. Marilyn will tell you that she would never trade in the present joy of a healed life for all of the treasures of her past. Yes, others lives 'were ruined' because Marilyn sought healing. I guess this is my question: should Marilyn have continued in her pain merely for the 'convenience' of those around her? What responsibility did those around Marilyn take for their actions or responses to Marilyn's healing? Could they have chosen to be pleased with her healing instead of angry and disapproving?

By the way, the above experience is the reason that addiction treatment programs involve the whole family in treatment. The whole family is affected by the disease and the whole family needs to understand their role in the disease process. Therefore, the whole family needs to understand how they will be affected by the healing process as well.

Meanwhile, I encourage you to get Marilyn Murray's book, read it and decide for yourself.

(c)2006 Ronald Friesen

"You are mine! I can treat you how I please!"

"I wear the pants around here and you will do what I say."

"Right here in the Bible it says, 'Wives submit to your husbands.'

"You WILL do as I tell you!"

The subject of domestic violence is back in the media this week with the release of O. J. Simpson's book: O. J. Simpson: If it Happened, Here's how it happened.

What this is about is how women in our society are treated by the men in their lives.

Here is the deal as I understand it.

One, the verse in the Bible about wives submitting to their husbands follows immediately after a verse that talks about all followers of Jesus submitting to him. So the husband and wife are submissive first together to God - that is why they used to both kneel at the altar on their wedding day - signifying their mutual submission to God.

Two, the verse in the Bible about wives submitting to their husbands is immediately followed by explicit instructions about how the husband is to act toward his wife - he is to love her as Christ loved the church and, furthermore, to love her as he loves himself. I understand this to mean that a husband is to voluntarily lay down his life for his wife - he is to live sacrificially for her. Also as he cares for himself and respects himself, he is to care for and respect his wife.

Three, a Christian wife and a Christian husband are 'brother and sister in Christ' before they were ever at the altar saying their vows to each other. Since this is true, there are at least 26 instructions in the Bible about how brothers and sisters are to treat each other - these include: love one another, forgive one another, bear one another's burdens, care for one another, serve one another, honor one another, etc. If Christians who are married to each other would practice these qualities - can you imagine how different our world would be! Millions of Americans tell the Gallup Poll each year that they 'are' Christians - that is they subscribe to the teachings of Christ - if this is so, why are we seeing such 'unchristian' behavior among Christians?

Four, marriage vows are not permission for domestic violence. I have never read a marriage vow that allowed or permitted mistreatment of the participants in the marriage. I tell people in my office all time, "People don't get married to get divorced." They all agree with me! Then why do people practice the behaviors which lead to the divorce court? I am thankful that the legislatures and courts of many U.S. states are now taking seriously the issue of domestic violence and prescribing treatment (and sometimes imprisonment) for those who violate their partners through physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

The day that your husband began to abuse you, he broke the marriage vows he made at the altar. He vowed to you, honor you, cherish you, support you, care for you! His vows did not make you someone he could beat on!

If you are caught in a cycle of domestic violence, please get help. Create a safety plan. Make a way of escape. Find someone you can trust and get the support you need. The life you save - maybe your own - and the life of your child.

If you know someone caught in a cycle of abuse, please, encourage them to get help before it is too late!

Please, tell this lie to go to hell!!! Your marriage vow is not a license to be abused!

(c)2006 Ronald Friesen

"I am the way I am because of my Mom."

"I am the way I am because my Dad abused me."

"I am the way I am because what the church did to me."

"I am the way I am because _____________________ (fill in the blank with the reason you hear most often).

It is true that we are deeply influenced by what others in our past have done to us (or failed to do to us). In psychology this is called the genetic explanation. (Genetic in this context does not mean chromosomes or DNA which you inherited from your parents or your ancestors.)

Yes, it is true that the influence or behavior which these people directed toward us is a powerful force in our lives. Many times we find ourselves acting out our childhood responses to these adults in our adult lives. If we felt threatened by the authority figures in our childhood, we will often cower in the face of authority figures in our adult life. If we were abused or neglected in our childhood, we will often be scarred with the effects of that abuse. We learned coping skills in our childhood that carried us to adult; when we face struggles and challenges we often return and resort to these learned childhood coping skills.

However, and here is the key, however, we do not need to be helpless in our adult life because of the what happened to us as children. We are not eternal victims of our past.

There are thousands of stories of people who made a decision not to be prisoners of their past. They learned that they could make new choices. They did not need to be an angry adult the rest of their lives. They learned that they did not have to be filled with shame for what happened to them.

It is true that life did them dirt. They understand that each day they can take responsibility for their lifes. They learned that the issue is not -

What life did to them

But -

What they did with what life did to them.

They learned that they didn't need to be a victim. They didn't need to excuse their lives because of what the past did to them.

They learned they could walk in victory. They could be more than a survivor. They could be a winner over life's dirt.

Some of these victorious people found it helpful to find a counselor who they could build a relationship with - who could serve as a healing presence in their lives so they walk to healing.

They learned to send this lie to Hell - I am what I am because of what others did to me!

(c)2006 Ronald Friesen

Many people believe that past behavior is the best indicator of future performance!

I have a big problem with this understanding of human behavior.

Here are my reasons:

1. It doesn't give people a chance to change. It puts people in a prison they cannot free themselves from. If you believe your friend, Harry, will always be an alcoholic why should Harry ever believe anything else for himself. Your thoughts about Harry become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

2. It is very negative view of the world. If you really believe this about yourself or others, then you have a very pessimistic view of yourself and others. If you hold this worldview, you will question and challenge any attempt people around you make to change their lives (even though you believe they should change). It will be almost impossible for you to celebrate any effort your friends or family members make to change their lives. Furthermore, you will tell everyone these words, "This is the way I am and I can't change."

3. It isn't true! Many people make dramatic changes to their lives everyday. Thousands of drug addicted people leave their addictions and live clean and sober lives. People who have other behavioral patterns leave those patterns and choose new ways to behave.

The Christian faith says this, "The old is gone, the new has come." Jesus told the woman who was brought by some righteous folks, "Go and sin no more." Transformation is a central tenant of the Christian faith.

You can change! You don't need to be a prisoner of your past! Your past is not your future!

First, make a decision to change.

Second, tell someone what you want to change and get them to agree to hold you accountable to the change you are going to make. One of the reasons people go to counselors like me and pay me good money is that they want to find a person who will hold them accountable while they make the changes they want to make.

Third, begin to journal about these changes. Writing about those changes you want to make begins to make this concrete in your life. Buy a notebook (I call this a 99 cent therapist) and write your notes and share them with your accountability partner.

Send this lie packing to hell: your past is your future!

(c)2006 Ronald Friesen