"If I forgive him for the abuse, that means I am saying everything is OK!"

"If I forgive her for her thievery, that means I have to let her back into my life!"

"If I forgive him for his lies, that means I have to trust him again!"

There are many misconceptions about forgiveness - one of the biggest lies people believe about forgiveness is that by forgiving the offender I am have to re-establish a relationship with the offender. People believe that forgiveness means that I allow the offender back into my life at the same degree of openness and vulnerability I had before the rupture.

We come about this misunderstanding of forgiveness from our childhood playground experience.

Remember when little Johnny punched us in the face or tripped us? The teacher brought Johnny to us and told him to apologize. Johnny says, "I am sorry." Then the teacher told us to say, "I forgive you, Johnny." So we did and then usually, the teacher told us to shake hands. And so we did. Then the teacher said something like, "Now go and play together!"
We were expected to go and play like nothing happened.

In our adult life we are faced with violations as significant or severe as the incident in the playground. Again we think that we HAVE to forgive and make up and act like nothing happened.

I believe that this is a gross misunderstanding of what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to put myself in a situation where I have to harmed, abused, hurt or taken advantage of by the offender or abuser.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the other person did is somehow dismissed or forgotten.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to trust the offender or abuser again in my life or the lives of my loved ones.

Forgiveness is not about 'letting go of the past' or 'forgetting the past'.

Forgiveness is about deciding to no longer play judge and jury of the offender.

Forgiveness is about letting go of the resentment I hold at the offender.

Forgiveness is about refusing to let the hurt of the past eat like a cancer in your soul.

Forgiveness is about turning the energy I am using to 'beat the offender up in my head and heart' into creative energy which loves and honors those worthy of my love and honor.

Forgiveness is about remembering that I will not let down my guard so I can be abused or offended again.

Forgiveness is about saying to the offender, "What you did hurt me, it burned a hole in my soul. I want you to know that you have deeply wounded you. I do not trust you and I probably never will. I choose this day to release my anger toward you. I will use my energy and strength to bring healing to myself."

Today is a good day to Send This Lie to Hell: Forgiveness means that Everything is OK now!

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

"I have a right to be resentful about how my parents raised me!"

"I have a right to be resentful because I never get any breaks!"

"I have a right to be resentful because others are always getting treated better than me!"

Resentment! That nagging, gut-clogging, mind-numbing feeling we have that life and people are treating us unfairly.

Resentment can feel good. Resentment seems to give us a way to deal with life's injustices. We keep reminding ourselves that we deserve better. We tell ourselves that our lives would be better today if people and circumstances of the past had treated us differently.We feel that we can excuse ourselves and our present life situation because other people and circumstances are to blame for our present experience. We feel justified in owning and claiming our resentments.

Resentments can also be paralyzing. Often we lock ourselves into present circumstances because our need to bear resentment seems to freeze our capacity to think creatively about our lives. After all our present has been determined by our past! Not only are our circumstances frozen but so are our relationships. People cannot change for us. They did it to us one (well, maybe twice) and we not let them nor ourselves forget. (We are not talking about abuse of a child by an adult - that is a different situation.) We are talking about the teacher who didn't praise our efforts in drama, or the coach who didn't play us as often as we would have wished, or the parent who put down every idea we ever had. We are talking about the boss who gave the promotion to our co-worker. These people are frozen in our minds.

Interestingly, resentment is recognized in Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 step program as one of the key character flaws which hinders recovery from addiction. People who harbor resentment in their minds and hearts are drawn toward addictive behaviors. There are a few theories about why this might be. One theory is that our addictions sooth us from the hurts of the past. Our addiction is our way of self-medicating the woundedness of our souls. So whenever we remind ourselves about how life has been unfair to us we 'pick up and use'.

So the key to sobriety - both in terms of addictive behavior and resentment - is to deal with the resentments of our lives.

We deal with resentment in three ways: Grieving, Forgiving and Reinvesting.

Grieving. The person or situation that resent let us down. They failed us. We didn't get our just desserts. We cannot undo the past, but we can grieve it. We can weep over it. Some people write letters (not be mailed) to the persons who they resent. Some people find a trusted friend or counselor to talk to about their griefs.

Forgiving. Releasing the person or situation through forgiveness means that we no longer judge them for their failure to meet our expectation or need. We decide that life is too short to daily play judge and jury over people who harmed us.

Finally, we reinvest our energy into the present circumstances of our lives. We reinvest the energy we used to use to beat up those who hurt us to make new opportunities. We no longer rely on hurtful addictive patterns to sooth our pain and we rely on our new found creative energy to make new lives.

Many years ago I was looking for a job. As I applied for new positions, I found myself cut off at the pass. I couldn't get any interviews. In my frustration I went to a trusted colleague. I found out that a supervisor in another jurisdiction who only know me from some of my work decided to blacklist me. I was on his hit list! I finally did get a position - but not anything like I thought I should have been able to land. For many years I held a quiet but bitter resentment toward this man. One day as life was going better I was with a group of friends and I found myself saying how thankful I was that I had been once on a blacklist because if I hadn't been on that list, I probably would never have landed in Phoenix, AZ and met all of them.

If there are people or situations in your life that fill you with resentment, I invite you to send this habit to hell - "I have a right to be resentful."

(c)2007 Ronald Friesen

"I have messed up my life, I deserve what I get."

"I am a terrible person, I deserve to beat myself up by remembering the awful things I did."

"My life is what it is, I can't change it."

"I have screwed up my life. I may as well screw it up some more!"

"If I had only...."

"If I could live my life over again...."

The ocean named 'Regret' is virtually fathomless. There are no end to its waves of remorse, pain, sorrow, grief, guilt, and shame. It is unrelenting in its surge to attempt to drown us. It feels bottomless when we try to get our footing on its shifting bottom. The moment we think we have grasped onto a piece of flotsam we are slammed by another wave.

Finding the sea of regret too great to overcome, we often succumb to its power and decide to drown our sorrows in

drugs
alcohol
destructive relationships
workaholism
toxic spirituality

We eventually wake up from these destructive choices, only to find more regret.

So how do we escape the ocean called regret?

First, we admit our condition. Unnamed demons have unlimited power in our lives. The day we name our problem, we begin to have the opportunity to tame its power over us.

Second, we begin to make an inventory of our regrets. Our regrets are tied to experiences, thoughts and feelings. What we thought and what we felt when we went through these experiences become our 'truths'. These truths (however illogical they appear to others) 'appear' logical to us. As we look at these experiences, we ask ourselves two questions: "What did I think or say to myself when that event happened?" and "What did I feel when that happened?"

Third, we begin to analyze the thoughts. For example, we might have thought, "I will always be a failure." Or we might have thought, "People will always take advantage of me."
We have allowed these thoughts or statements to become the ruling forces of our lives. Everything and everyone is judged by these statements. And, of course, they become 'true' for us.

Fourth, we now begin to challenge these truths. These statements usually have a generalization - they frequently include words like, 'always.' 'no one,' etc. So we ask ourselves: "Is this 'always' true?" (Here we may need a counselor to help us confront these statements.) There are usually several instances where the 'truth' has not been true. Write these down.

Fifth, we need to learn to forgive ourselves. Because we have often engaged in destructive patterns of behavior in trying to swim the ocean of regret, we have often reaped painful consequences. We have left in our wake financial and personal debts, broken relationships, ruined careers, wreck and ruin of all shapes and sizes. Forgiving ourselves means that we no longer judge ourselves or beat ourselves up for our choices. We were coping the best way we knew how at the moment. We accept responsibility for our choices. We make no excuses. At the same time, we choose to no longer allow these regrets to control our lives.

Sixth, we may need to make amends with those whose lives have been touched by our destructiveness. This may be through letters and/or personal contacts. Often the well-lived life is the best amend we can offer those we have hurt.

Practicing 'Just for Today' affirmations can help refocus our lives in more healthy streams.
("Just for Today" Affirmations are available through any of the 12 step programs in your community.)

We don't need to be caught in the endless waves of regret!

There is a bouy for us to grasp on to and we can send this life, "I am stuck in my regrets" to the hell it deserves!

(c)2007 Ronald Friesen

(A blogstream blogger placed a blog recently with the above line. This blog is written as my thoughts about that line. Thank you.)

"I am always going to be stuck in this marriage."

"I am always going to be poor."

"I give up. I am going to just suck up life and hang in there!"

"This is as good as it gets!!!"

A few years ago, I was living 'a stuck life.' My career felt as if walking through an endless maze of a grocery aisles - nothing appealed to me. It was boring and unexciting. All I saw was an endless repetition of activities that no longer held any meaning or purpose. My income was going backwards. I was envious of friends who were moving up the ladder. Loneliness shuttered my life. Options were like pushing on locked doors. Nothing seemed to be moving. I was stuck. I was thinking, "This is as good as it gets."

One of the techniques used in counseling is to ask a client, "If you were to give advice to someone in similar circumstances what advice would you give?" I took some time, sat down and asked myself this question.

Here is another question that provokes new thinking, "If you were planning to start this job/relationship in a three weeks, what dreams and plans would you have for this career/relationship?"

Using these questions I began to draw up some new plans for my life. I resigned my job. I took three jobs to replace the one job that had lost its excitement. (Juggling three jobs will keep you from being bored! - I couldn't find one job to pay the bills.) Looked at my relationships, I began to do the things that I had done in the beginning of those relationships to put some spark into them. I took the new energy into my new jobs and began to develop new programs which lead to the careers that I have today.

If you had asked me 15 year ago if I would counsel children and teens - I would have laughed at you. Today I love the kids and adolescents who find their way to my office. If you had asked me 30 years ago if I would want to work in a level 1 trauma unit and would embrace the chaos and blood and tears - I would have told you that you were crazy because I hated smell of hospitals! For many years I volunteered (without pay) to come to the local hospital at 2 AM to sit with broken hearts, bodies and minds. Today people seek out my expertise and life-experience as I teach at a local university as well as community organizations.

I can testify that "This is as good as it gets" is a huge lie of hell and needs to be sent back to there!

If you are saying to yourself, "This is as good as it gets! - send this lie to hell!

(c) 2006 Ronald Friesen

"Can't you do anything right?!"

"What's wrong with you? You make a mess of everything!"

"Remember, you have to be perfect like God is perfect!"

From when we were very young we were reminded that we are not perfect. Then we were told that we are expected to be perfect. Talk about a set up for disappointment, rejection, despair, hopelessness, discouragement!

The terrifying reality about these set ups is they continue repeating themselves as the tape runs in our heads into our adulthood.

Is there a way to turn off the tape or to reserve it?

1. Good news - no one is perfect, including the adults who tried to program our minds with these messages. Take a deep breath. Think of a mistake or fault these adults had and enjoy the moment.

2. Now think about some of your successes. What are you good at? Think of a skill or attribute you have that you perform with some degree of success.

3. Learn to listen for and accept compliments. When we grow up in an environment where we hear criticism on a daily basis, it is hard for us to accept a compliment. Here is the challenge: the next time someone compliments you on something you have done - agree to accept 60% of the compliment. No one says you have to totally reject or totally accept someone's judgment of your accomplishment. As you increase your capacity to accept people's compliments, you will find that your need for being perfect will decrease.

3. That teaching about God being perfect is misused and misunderstood. The Bible verse about being perfect like God is perfect is talking about the character of God - the totality of who God is. The context is the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus is teaching about developing a character which matches the character of God. The teaching is really a reminder that none of us can ever equal God's character, so we need forgiveness from God and ourselves.

4. Forgive yourself - God who is perfect in knowledge already knows you perfectly and chooses to forgive you - and you do any less?

Perfectionism! A deadly curse that can destroy our lives, our happiness, our relationships!

Tell this Lie to Go to Hell - I have to be perfect!

(c)2006 Ronald Friesen