Have you ever said these things or heard someone else say them:

"I have everything under control!"

"I have to be in control.

"I will be in control."

We would like to believe that we have the power to control all of our circumstances and the people around us. I mean who likes living in chaos or uncertainity?

Think with me for a minute about these claims that people are making when they verbalize these kinds of thoughts.

1. Is anyone ever totally in control of a situation?

2. Is there anyway to guarantee that the outcomes I desire will occur?

3. Is there any way in the world to have total and complete control of other people?

We really would like to believe that we have been given the power to control every situation and every person and every outcome.

Realizing that we do not have the power to do this, we find ourselves defeated and discouraged. Many people live very unhappy lives because they have not managed to figure out to have this kind of power. I believe that many people experience depression and physical pain as a result of this feeling of powerlessness.

Are you interested in learning how to be free of this self-imposed pain?

Here is the secret - learn the difference between 'control' and 'manage'.

I can't control the world around me, but I can manage it.

I have no say if it is going to rain when I go out this afternoon But I can plan for it. I can take an umbrella. I can take a raincoat. I can plan my trip to avoid certain parts of town if it does rain so I can be safer. I can't control the weather, but I can manage my life so it is less likely to effect me negatively.

I can't control a family member's response to my request to get their chores done by a certain expected time. However, I can manage my feelings about that response. I may be able to plan my life around their efforts. I may be able to outline some consequences for their lack of cooperation. I can't control their response, however, I can manage my feelings and my responses to them.

If you think you are in control of your life - please tell this lie to go to the Hell it deserves!

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

In the Preamble of the Declaration of Independence, we read these words,

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

Many people assume that because happiness is listed as an 'unalienable Right', therefore, they should be happy.

Well, first, I am sorry to disappoint all of us, but I must point out, that the Declaration doesn't guarantee that happiness is an unalienable Right. Please re-read the above quote from the Preamble again. What is an unalienable Right is 'the pursuit of Happiness!'

What is guaranteed is that we have is the right to pursue happiness. There is no guarantee that we will be happy or find happiness. What are our Rights are: Life and Liberty. You have to be alive to pursue happiness; you have to have certain liberty or freedom to be able to pursue happiness. What you do with your life and liberty has a lot to do with how successful your pursuit of happiness will be.

Second, I want to remind you what happiness meant when the framers of the Declaration wrote these words. The word, happiness' is from the Greek word, eudaimonia which consists of two words: eu - 'good' and daimon - 'spirit'. To be happy is to be in good spirits. What the ancients meant by being in good spirits is not what we usually mean by being in good spirits - it was not about fine wine, good food and welcoming company. For the ancients, to happy meant to be at peace with oneself and one's world including one's god. Many of the framers of the Declaration had a classical education, they understood this ancient meaning of the word, 'happiness'.

Are we waiting for someone to make us happy? Are we waiting for some circumstance to befall us to make us happy, such as meeting the right person, getting the right job, wining the lottery? Many people tie their happiness to a happening.

People cannot make us happy; we make ourselves happy. We have every right and privlege to pursue all the happiness we want.

I remind all of us that happiness is an inside job. Someone has said, "I am as happy as I make up my mind to be." When we are at peace with our inner spirit, our God and with our world, then we will fulfill our pursuit of happiness.

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

Recently, I met someone who told me that he drank about three 6-packs every evening. Some nights he drank 24 beers.

I told him that I would not judge him for doing this. I also told him that I would not tell him to stop drinking 18 or 24 beers a night.

I said to him that there probably already lots of people in his life who were telling to not to drink so much. I would not be one of those people.

I also said to him, "I bet you have a real good reason for drinking 18 to 24 beers a night. I would be interested in hearing your reasons."

There was silence for a few minutes. The there was a torrent of tears and anger and sadness for thirty minutes about his life.

My friend is trying to bury (or anethesize) twenty-five years of pain. This is the only coping mechanism he knows.

We have spent time since that talk - he is drinking less. He has found a listener in me. He is making new plans for his life. He is no longer trying to bury the pain.

My friend is not alone. There are many people in your world and my world who are trying to bury their pain - some use alcohol (still the preferred choice of most people), others use drugs (legal and illegal), sex, gambling, internet porn, work and relationships.

Is there a cure? Yes, there is.

It begins with honesty. The first step of the 12 step program asks us to admit that we are powerless and our lives are unmanageable.

It takes humility to admit that we have used things and people to help bury our pain. We express our humility when we invite one person or a group of persons to hear our confession of the abuse of subtances and relationships to cover our pain. Finding a counselor or a support group who will support us in dealing with the root issues of the heart is key to recovery.

If you struggle as I have with deep emotional pain in your life, I hope you will discover as I have that I can send this lie to hell - "I can bury my pain!"

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

"I can't help myself."

"I am who I am because ________________." (fill in the blank - usually about someone did to us when we were younger - but occasionally in our adult life).

"I am trapped and I can't get out."

There is a common trap many of us get into in our lives. It is the trap of 'I am a victim.'

First, I am not saying that what happened to us wasn't terrible, horrible, awful and sometimes, even criminal. We were violated, bullied, abused, mistreated, and neglected.

Second, many of us bear scars on our bodies, minds and most importantly, on our souls from what others did or didn't do to us. We feel dirty, sick, crazy and worse because of what happened to us.

Third, many of us were made to feel that we deserved or asked for what happened to us. This deepens what happened to us be adding the layer of shame on us.

Fourth, many of us have not found a way to reconcile ourselves with the person who abused us - and because reconciliation of any kind is not likely possible or even recommended, society continues to support our 'victim identity'.

Finally, because of all of the above, we really do become a victim. We become stuck in our identity as an abused person. We don't know who we are are apart from what has happened to us.

So what is the key to unlocking this prison house labeled 'victim'?

As many people have found that the key is to change from being a 'victim' to being a 'victor'.

The way we become a victor is to decide that we will not longer give power to our abuser.

When we allow the abuser to cause us to fear, to question ourselves relentlessly, to stop ourselves from going on with our lives, we give power to our abuser.

Regaining our power and our voice (I add 'voice' because many abused people feel and act as they have no voice about their lives) is key to becoming victorious over our past.

Frequently individual or group counseling is helpful in helping us overcome our feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.

Life is too short to keep allowing this lie from hell to control our lives.

Tell this lie to go to hell - "I am a victim"!!!

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

"I am sick because I was a terrible person."

"I am getting the just desserts of my wicked past."

"My life is going all wrong because of the bad things I did."

Many people I meet feel that their present circumstances are a judgment on their past behaviors.

The problem with this line of thinking is that there may be a kernel of truth in it. But there is also a large problem with this way of thinking.

It is true that some people suffer a direct consequence of their past choices. It is well known that cirousis of the liver is directly linked to the abuse of alcohol and drugs. It is also true that some people face financial difficulties because of the unwise investments or spending patterns of their past.

For many people, however, the linkage between their present state and their past behavior is very thin. In fact it is often not connected at all.

Pat is a young adult who struggles to support herself financially. She has completed High School. She has served our country. She doesn't engage in any vices. She attempts to live a decent life. Yet she cannot land a full-time job. It seems that she is doomed to be stuck a part-time, entry level position for the remainder of her life.

Pat is not alone. There are many people like her in the world. Bad things happen or unfortunate circumstances seem to take control of their lives.

For many people - the determining factor will be their attitude toward their circumstances. There are many people who every day live with disabilities, handicaps, challenges created by family members. These people have determined that their present suffering is not a death sentence but a stepping stone to success.

They have learned to tell this lie to go to hell - Suffering is the price I pay for my misdeeds!

2007 (c) Ronald Friesen