As I have been visiting with people in my own personal life and on the internet, I have encountered a common lie.

This is the Lie: You should get over your grief QUICKLY!

Recently I met one person whose grief was about three months old. He said he couldn't understand why his grief was so intense, after all, his wife died three months ago! After three months, he thought he should be 'doing better', 'getting over it' and 'functioning normally.'

Unfortunately, our society contributes to this fallacy. How many days do you get off work for bereavement? Most US companies give three days bereavement leave. Of course, when you come back from the funeral you should function at 100 percent!

Here are some points to remember:

1. The depth of our pain and grief is related to the emotional attachment we have to the person who died. *This is not related to how long we knew the person.

Tears and grief are the price we pay for loving.

2. Our first response to loss is shock and numbness. This is good because it gets us through the first weeks and even months after our loss. When the shock and numbness wears off we begin to feel the intensity of our grief. For most people the full force of the loss is not felt until the second and third month of the loss. Many people don't experience the full reality and intensity of their loss until the sixth month.

Numbness is a safety net that gets us through the first weeks and even months.

3. The grief experience is best described as a rollercoaster. In healing process we experience many lows and some highs. These up and down experiences are often violent, unpredictable and unnerving. We hear a doorknob turn, we think it is our loved one returning home. We see them sitting in their favorite chair. We smell them on their clothes. We get a phone call asking for him or her. We share happy memories and laugh. We recall a favorite habit or saying, we smile.

The waves of our grief will slow down and become calmer in time.

4. Grief is not something we 'get over.' We get through grief. We work our way through grief with tears, talking, and facing it head-on.

Nor is grief something from which recover. We are forever transformed and changed by our losses. We are not the same person after we have experienced the death of a loved one or a close friend. We do not recover (even though there are programs called 'Grief Recovery'). What we do do is this: we embace our pain and loss and take th energy and let it propel us into new vistas of emotional and physical life.

We will always be grievers; we will become reconciled to our loss as time goes on as we work through our loss.

*This is why many grieving people are not given the attention they should be. We may feel that the relationship was not a long one, therefore, the grief experience shouldn't be so intense. This is true of couples who lose a child through a miscarriage, or a fiance whose bride or groom dies before the wedding day.

Please tell this lie to go to hell - Time heals all losses - QUICKLY!

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

Also check out this post:

Wednesday September 20, 2006 - Tell This Lie to Go to Hell - Time Heals

Dear Readers, I had previously posted this blog - but the format refused to cooperate - this is the format I desired - I hope you find this easier to read.)

There are two schools of thought about how to deal with anger: Anger Management and Anger Transformation.

When most people talk about dealing with their anger they talk about how to cool down - count from 10 backwards or count to 20. Anger management classes which are often taught to persons whose anger got them into trouble with the law focus on skills - breathing, being aware of triggers, some ways to deal with your anger - exercise, punching a pillow. going outside and screaming. One of the best ones I heard told me to get a bowl of ice cubes and go outside and throw them against a brick wall. The goal of anger management is to 'manage' your anger.

I am not a big fan of anger management; I prefer to teach people anger transformation.

Here are my teaching points:

1. Anger is a normal human emotion. It is not anger that gets us into trouble, it's what we do with our anger that gets us into trouble. Breaking your partner's dishes, screaming curse words at co-workers, driving irratically down the street - these are all behaviors that will get you into trouble. Anger isn't the problem; its what we do with our anger that is the trouble.

2. Anger is a symptom, not a cause. When you come home from work and your children (or partner) have left their clothes and dishes all over the family room/living room. What is your immediate reaction? Yelling at who ever is closest about the mess? Your increased blood pressure, your hot face, your voice are all indications that you are one unhappy person.

3. The problem isn't the problem. We think the problem is stuff strewn all over the house. That isn't the problem. The problem is your unmet need. The human race has universal needs: needs for peace, harmony, community, communication, order, clarity, respect, etc. (To download the list of universal need see, www.cnvc.org) What need of yours is not being met when you walk in the door and see the mess? Peace? Harmony? Community? Identify what need isn't being met. That is the problem.

4. Now you have to communicate the need to your family. How do you do that?
First, note your anger. Give yourself some self-empathy. Yes, you are darn mad at the mess in front of you. You want to detach someone's head from their body!
Second, observe the mess. Note specifically what you see - cups, shoes, toys, etc.
Third, formulate your message to the offender.

*Begin with a compliment: "Honey, I love you" is a good start.

*Then communicate the observation. "Honey, I see cups, shoes and toys on the furniture and floor."

*Then communicate your need, "I have a need for order and harmony in my life."

*Then communicate your request, "Can you, please, pick up the shoes, clothes and toys and place them were they belong."

Now here is the catch. If the person responds defensively to your request, they probably hard the request as a demand. So say something like this, "Honey, I maybe I didn't say that right. Let me try again." Go through the message again. (Some people begin with their need and then move to the observation and then to their request - either order is equally effective. It is what is comfortable to you.)

I have taught the above communication skill, I call Anger Transformation, to many couples and parents. Many people tell me that the above communication skills have transformed their personal lives and professional lives.

I would appreciate hearing how these communication tools help you.

"If I fail, this will be the ruin of my life."

"My life is worthless if I don't make a success of this project."

"What will my family think if I fail?"

Our world is all about success. Each day our TV news and magazines remind us that the 'shiney' people are those who are on 'top of their game', make the most money, get the big contract and whose lives exude the colors of success.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are caught up in the rat race to be successful.

First of let me tell you about not being successful. I have been the pastor of four churches in my life time - taking up about 20 years of my life. Each of these churches is out of business. That's right, you heard me correctly - they are closed, out of business. It is true that they closed their doors after I left. But they were already in trouble when I left.

If you are the chairman of a search for a pastoral search committee, you probably don't want to look at my resume, never mind asking me for an interview.

Now let's do a reframe. While each of those churches is no longer in business, there were hundreds of lives that were positively affected by the ministry of those churches during my tenure as pastor. There are people today who serve as leaders and pastors in their churches who were trained and mentored by me during my time in those churches. There are people who are being faithful to their spouses and families who I counseled, married, and encouraged. There are people who are walking ethically and productively in their chosen careers who sat under my ministry. The institutions we call 'church' may be out of business, but the real church, the people of God, are being the people of God as described in the Bible.

So, what is this thing we call success all about?

It's a trap created by our media, society and family which can destroy our souls and our lives if we allow it.

Is it time to tell your lie, "I HAVE to be successful" to go to hell?

"What do you mean I am angry?

"I'm not angry!"

(Meanwhile, my face is becoming redder, my heart is beating faster and my voice is getting louder).

Many of us were reared in families where anger was not allowed. Of course, we saw adults around us being angry, but anger was not an emotion we were allowed to express.

So why are we afraid to express our anger?

One reason we may be reluctant to express our anger is because when we saw anger expressed when we were children it was often frightening. Remember we were very little people and people much bigger than us were yelling, cursing, throwing things, punching walls and maybe, even people. We are afraid that if we express our anger openly we might behave in the same destructive ways that we saw adults in our childhood.

Another reason we may be reticent to openly express our anger is because we were taught it was wrong to show our anger or to even have angry feelings. For some of us there was even a veneer of religion thrown in - after all the Bible says, "don't be angry."

We need to understand that anger is a normal, human emotion. Everyone gets angry. It is not a sin to be angry; it is not a sin to show the world your anger. It is okay to be angry. We don't need to deny our anger.

Our anger is not the problem; it is how we express our anger that creates our problems. If we grew up in homes where we saw anger expressed in destructive and violent ways, we need to learn how to show anger in appropriate ways. The correct teaching of the Bible is "Be angry and don't sin when you demonstrate your anger." There is a correct and proper way to be angry, a way that will not violate people or God.

The proper way to express anger is first, to learn to say. "I am angry."

Second, having said, "I am angry", we need to explain in calm ways why we are angry. This is where we express assertiveness instead of aggressiveness. There is nothing wrong with being assertive; it is how we are assertive that invites trouble.

Many years ago I learned this very valuable lesson in assertiveness and aggressiveness. I was afraid of my anger (see first reason above) so I would hold in my anger. Unfortunately, all that happened was that I became more and more depressed. (One definition of depression is anger turned inward.) One weekend I attended some workshops on transforming anger put on by local instructors of non-violent communications (see: www.cnvc.org). I learned that the reason I was feeling angry feelings is because my needs were not being met. As I learned how to express my needs in constructive ways, I learned that I could express my anger feelings in assertive ways without destroying others or myself.

I learned how to express my anger appropriately and assertively.

I no longer have to tell a lie: "I am NOT angry!"

"I can't help myself!"

"I can't change!"

"I have been this way all of my life and I can't be any different!"

We have all heard people make these kinds of comments. We may even have said these thinks ourselves.

I have some good news for you and me! We can change!

I recently attended a conference for marriage and family therapists in Anaheim, CA. One of the presenters was Daniel Siegel, MD of UCLA. Dr. Siegel has written a groundbreaking work on the mind called, The Developing Mind.

This is the concluding paragraph of an article by Dr. Siegel,

"Attachment research suggests that the mind may continue to develop in response to emotional relationships throughout the lifespan (Lichtenstein-Phelps, Belsky, &Crnic, 1998). These changes in the internal mental models of attachment may be mediated by continuing openness of the brain to change in response to experience. Thus, the possibility remains that ongoing experiences, especially those involving the basic aspects of secure attachments described earlier, may enable some individuals to acquire a more richly developed capacity for neural integration. These basic relationship components include collaborative communication, reflective dialogue, interactive repair, coherent narrativization, and emotional communication. The hope is that interpersonal experiences that involve these basic components will offer respect for the individual’s subjective experience within emotionally engaging relationships. Relationships such as those of family, friends, psychotherapy, and the collaborative environment of nurturing communities might facilitate the development of flexible self-regulation and a more integrated way of life for all ages. If we can find a way to facilitate neural integration within the minds of individuals across the lifespan, we may be able to promote a more compassionate world of human connections." copied from Siegel DJ: Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment relationships, “mindsight,” and neural integration. Infant Mental Health Journal, Special Edition on Contributions of the Decade of the Brain to Infant Psychiatry, 22:67-94. (2001).

All of those $25 dollars words summed say this: There is a possibilty for change in our way of acting and being for all of us throughout our lives through postive relationships. Postive relationships have the capacity to actually change our neuro pathways and to change our basic feelings, perception, thinking and ultimately, change how we behave.

So how do we change ourselves?

First, we have decide we want to change - we have to make a conscious descision to want to be different.

Second, we need to give attention to the life-giving, positive interactions we have everyday. The key word here is 'attention'. Do you and I hear the compliment? Do we really see the smile on our friend's face? Do we receive and reinforce the positive input we are given every day. (If we are finding it difficult to find such positive interation, we may need to find other avenues to give it to us).

Third, we need to reinforce the positive message through physical response or reinforcement. For example, if someone smiles, you smile back. If someone gives you a compliment, you may put your hand on their shoulder when you say, 'thank you'. By the way, if you are the giver of the compliment you may want to touch the person you are complimenting to reinforce the compliment.

Fourth, meditation opens new neuro pathways which allows us to recieve new ideas and thoughts. Meditation may be through reading, listening to music or simply sitting and contemplating a scene in a picture. Research is showing the meditation creates new pathways in the brain which create peace and harmony as opposed to chaos and conflict.

Tell this lie to go to hell: "I can never change!"

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen