Stuck, like a car in a snow drift, many people feel that their situation is unchangeable.

Giving into their helplessness, they continue to live their lives in the rut of despair.

Psychologist Martin Seligman has called this form of despair, learned helplessness. It is a learned helplessness because we have been well-trained by our family of origin or the community we live in to believe that the current situation of our lives are beyond change. We agree with this assessment and live out the spoken or unspoken rules of the world around us.

Here is the good news - we don't have to give into this learned helplessness.

First, diagnosis is the first big step to the cure. Sit down and in quietness write down those sentences which seem to be your negative mantra: "I can never be a good _____________." "I could never ______________." "I will always ____________________." "I am _________________ (negative label, such as 'stupid', 'dumb', etc.)

Second, begin challenging these negative statements. Are they always true? Are there times when you succeeded and made a lie out of this truth? In all of us is an heroic person who has already made lies out of some of these things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis.

Third, we can begin by surrounding us with the people who live the life we desire. They may doing the careers that we aspire to do. We collect positive, inspiring people who cheer us on our way. Many people who are not particularly religious find certain TV shows inspiring, for example, The Hour of Power and Joel Olsteen. Others buy audio books of inspirational speakers and play them over and over again as they drive around.

Fourth, find one person who knows you well who will join you in challenging this learned helplessness. This may be your partner, a friend, a family member. Invite them to challenge you every time you begin talking out of your learned helplessness. Let them say, 'Stop, there you go again!' each time they hear you going into the rut of your despair.

Remember, Tell this lie to go to hell - "My life is what it is, I can't change it!"

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen

P.S. If you wish to learn more about learned helplessness, see this website;
http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/discouragement/helplessness.html

"I know Dad died this year, but we have to put up the tree and decorate the house!"

"Sure our Mom died, but we still have to come to your house for Christmas. It won't be Christmas unless we come to your house!"

"I don't have the energy to shop after this fall's surgery but I have to shop and buy all those presents. The family is counting on me!"

"I know that Christmas Eve for mass but there are too many memories this year without Grandma there - I don't want to go!"

Every holiday season, families go through these kinds of discussions.

I hear them in my office and in people's homes as I visit them about their griefs.

We feel that we are bound by the traditions and rituals of our family.

Here are some thoughts:

* People are created for rituals and traditions; ritruals and traditions are not created for people. We don't have to prisoners of past ways of doing the holidays.

* Self-care means that we pay more attention to ourself than we do to the expectations of others. At the first Christmas season following her husband's death, one woman decided to go to Disneyland with her sisters. She decided she wasn't dishonoring her husband by taking care of herself. I have heard of other widows and widowers who went on cruises during the holiday season following their spouses' deaths.

* Frank declarations of our lack of energy following the experience of loss are needed if we are going to take care of ourselves. "I don't have the energy to host the whole family." "I don't have the energy to decorate like I used to." These declarations may come as a shock to our loved ones, but they are necessary if we are going to experience ongoing healing.

* If we do decide to attend worship services in this season, we need to prepare ourselves for the possibility of dealing with people's comments, e.g. "How are you doing?", and with encountering sights and sounds which will remind us of our loved one.

I was sitting in a church service one year when the congregation began singing, 'Away in a Manger'. Suddenly I was overcome by grief. I quickly realized that I was grieving a two year old child who had died three years previously. (My wife babysat this child and in the Christmas season prior to her murder, her favorite carol was Away in a Manger.)

Be prepared for these moments. You may even want to sit near an exit so you can excuse yourself if you worry about becoming overwhelmed by the sights and sounds of the service.

* Our loved one would want us to care for ourselves in this season. Perhaps this holiday was treasured by our loved one; our loved one would not want us to be put into turmoil because of the season. Our loved one would admire and support our courage to deal with this holiday in a way which expressed love for ourselves.

If you are struggling with this holiday season, realize that you have permission to tell this lie to go to hell - I have to celebrate the Holidays!

(c) Ronald Friesen 2007

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop chewing your nails?"

Has anyone ever said this to you?

Have you ever said it to someone else?

I am learning more about 'self-comfort' these days. Self-comfort isn't about indulgence - it is how we instinctually care for ourselves.

The other day a fellow counselor shared how his client was chewing his nails in the session. Traditional counseling (and parenting) might point this out to the client and tell him to stop.

It has come to my attention that chewing one's fingernails is a form of self-comfort.

If this is the case, then reprimanding someone for comforting themselves doesn't really work. Everyone needs some way to take care of themselves. Some people tap their foot, some tap the table, some play with their hair, some rub their leg or arm, some chew gum.
Everyone has some way to taking care of themselves, especially, when they feel anxious.

So here is how I would discuss this form of self-care with a client:

'I notice you are taking care of yourself today. It's hard talking about this stuff, isn't it?'

(Pause - at this point the client might ask, what do you mean? or just sit and looked puzzled.)

"I see that you are taking care of your anxiety by chewing your nails. I think it is important for us to take care of ourselves when we are anxious. Do you do this often?'

Following a discussion of this behavior and other behaviors which client might use to take care of himself - the client might be asked if they would like to learn other self-care methods.

How do you take care of yourself?

Have people ever tried to talk you out of the ways that you take care of yourself?

We all have ways to take care of ourselves. If we don't like our current way of doing so, we can find new ways.

Tell this lie to go to hell - "You have to stop chewing your nails!"

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

"Have you noticed when women grieve they cry and when men grieve they just sit."

"Men and women are just different - so they express their grief differently."

There is a common belief that men grieve differently than women.

It is believed that because men are socialized differently as children that they handle loss differently than women.

What researchers are finding is that there is not 'a man's way to grieve' and 'a woman's way to grieve.'

The research says that there are two ways to grieve: active (also called instrumental grievers) and intuitive.

These two ways of grieving have nothing to do with being male or female; these two ways of grieving are expressions of our internal ways of handling life.

Active Grievers

People who are active grievers cannot sit still and cry. These are the people who immediately spring into action after the loss and begin taking care of the details. They start planning the arrangements. They talk to people, They go back to work. They begin taking care of disposing of the deceased possessions.

Active grievers are often misunderstood because they do not openly show their grief through tears. They are grieving; they do not express their grief through open emotional release.

Intuitive Grievers

People who are intuitive grievers often seem paralyzed by their loss. They will sit for hours and weep. They will will talk about their feelings, however, they feel a need to do this for many months and sometimes years. Intuitive grievers find it difficult to resume their lives after the death. They find themselves stuck in their pain.

Intuitive grievers are often frustrating to active grievers because they often appear to lack the energy or desire to move on. They are immobilized by their pain; they need patience and support from loved ones and friends.

When I first heard this description of these two kinds of grievers, I wondered what 'kind of griever am I?' When my friend, Ross, died, I found out my grief style.

I am an active or instrumental griever. I tried to sit down in the nursing home and reflect on Ross's life while I was awaiting the mortuary. I found that after about 3 minutes, I had to get up and start doing something. I began putting together Ross's belongs (I was his legal guardian so responsible for his earthly possessions.). I took the many pictures off the walls. I collected his clothes. I emptied the drawers into boxes. I am an active griever.

What kind of griever are you?

Tell this lie to go hell - Men grieve differently than women!

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

"You know Bill? He will never change!"

"I know what you mean. He is crouchy and cranky and mean all the time!"

"People just don't change!"

I know I have said these words about people. I am sure that you have said these, too.

There are several problems with this view of the world.

First, by making a declaration such as, "Bill will never change," we have forever cemented in our minds our image and judgment about him. We have placed over our eyes gigantic blinders ensuring that we will never notice even small, postive changes that Bill is trying to make. Bill has no motivation to ever make an effort to self-improvement because of our intrasient position about his behavior. (This is very devastating to children and young people. I have met many children and young people who believe that they can never be good enough for their parent or their teacher.)

Second, by making such a declaration about people, we encourage their undesirable behavior. "If I can never make Mom happy, I might as well be as bad as bad can be." Remember, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Third, people DO change! I have seen angry, resentful people become loving people. I have seen revengeful people become forgiving people. I have seen mean people become caring people. I have seen people stuck in their addictions become free and sober.

The key to helping people change is for us to begin believing that they can change. With our new belief system, we begin looking for evidence of their change. We celebrate every kind word, every positive action, and every effort to be productive.

If you have people in your life who you have given up on - I invite you to

Send this lie to Hell - People don't change!!

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen