This topic was suggest by fellow blogstreamer, Artemis (Too Confusing to Think).

This thought is a common perception people have about life. It has a strong roots in sociological literature. The idea was given life by one of my professors, the late Dr. Ernest Becker, in his book, The Denial of Death, which is still in print after 36 years. Dr. Becker's thesis is that all of us seek immortality by doing something heroic.

There are several problems with thinking that if we don't do something noteworthy, we won't be remembered.

The first problem is this: how do we define what is 'noteworthy'?

Some people have decided that they could become noteworthy by committing horrendous crimes. Unfortunately our society, through the advent of medium like the internet, has created ways for people to be maintain their notoriety for many years.

However, let's assume that you and I have a more positive definition of 'noteworthy' and 'notoriety'. First, we have to define what we mean by 'noteworthy'. Some people define this by number of dollars they make. Others define noteworthy by some heroic deed. How many people do you know perform an heroic act which is noted on the 5 PM news? Still others define, noteworthy, by somone's stature in the community. They aim for political office, or CEO of a company or star football player at the local college. Some people decide that 'noteworthy' is not related to status, rather, it is simply related to doing whatever they do well. These people don't care to be on the evening news or on the front page of the business or sports section. They are already 'noteworthy' to themselves; this is enough.

The second problem is this: what does it mean to be remembered?

Remembered by whom? Is being remembered by one person enough? Or do you need thousands or millions to remember you? Pat Tillman was a star college football player who while he was making millions on the professional football field decided to join the US Army. Because of who he was as an athlete, his death in Afghanistan has been remembered by having football fields named fter him, having "Pat Tillman" days named for him, etc. How many Pat Tillmans are there? If he is role model for 'noteworthy', I think you will be sorely disappointed. He was one of a kind.

However, many of the people who became part of Paul Harvey's 'And now you the rest of the story' were often unsung heroes before they become famous actors, politicians, singers, or business people. There was a part of their story that made them even more remarkable than the actual accomplishment for which we all know them. They overcame some physical, emotional, cultural or racial handicap which made their final accomplishment even more remarkable.

Most people don't have any '15 seconds of fame' in their lives. They don't live 'remarkable' lives: they go to work everyday, they are faithful in their relationships, they feed their families, they never break the law, they pay their bills on time, they are simply decent people.

Who remembers these people? A few years ago I was in an art museum in Dresden, Germany. In one of the rooms of the gallery were small 8x11 paintings. These paintings were not of royalty or rulers; they were paintings of bakers, tailors, housewives, foundry workers. Simple people who lived unremarkable lives in the 18th Century immortalized by an artist who cared about ordinary people in his village.

Who will remember you and me? The people who we matter to the most will remember us. Do you remember who won the World Series last year? Or the winner of the Oscar for best actor in 2001? You may not remember these names but you do remember the teacher, boy scout leader, spiritual leader or family member who had the greatest positive effect on you.

Do you and I have do something noteworthy to be remembered? I don't think so. We simply need to be responsible, loving and caring people.

Tell this lie to go to hell - "You have to do something noteworthy to be remembered."

As you can tell by the date on the last blog, I haven't done much with this blog for the past year.

For some reason, it has been getting alot of hits recently.

Obviously it is helping people out there in the virtual world - so so they tell me.

Here is the deal - I need some new topics to work on -

If you will send me your topics or concerns that you think I might be able to address - please let me know - if you wish to anonymous and not want to be identified with the topic - please us the pm feature...

peace

ron

Stuck, like a car in a snow drift, many people feel that their situation is unchangeable.

Giving into their helplessness, they continue to live their lives in the rut of despair.

Psychologist Martin Seligman has called this form of despair, learned helplessness. It is a learned helplessness because we have been well-trained by our family of origin or the community we live in to believe that the current situation of our lives are beyond change. We agree with this assessment and live out the spoken or unspoken rules of the world around us.

Here is the good news - we don't have to give into this learned helplessness.

First, diagnosis is the first big step to the cure. Sit down and in quietness write down those sentences which seem to be your negative mantra: "I can never be a good _____________." "I could never ______________." "I will always ____________________." "I am _________________ (negative label, such as 'stupid', 'dumb', etc.)

Second, begin challenging these negative statements. Are they always true? Are there times when you succeeded and made a lie out of this truth? In all of us is an heroic person who has already made lies out of some of these things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis.

Third, we can begin by surrounding us with the people who live the life we desire. They may doing the careers that we aspire to do. We collect positive, inspiring people who cheer us on our way. Many people who are not particularly religious find certain TV shows inspiring, for example, The Hour of Power and Joel Olsteen. Others buy audio books of inspirational speakers and play them over and over again as they drive around.

Fourth, find one person who knows you well who will join you in challenging this learned helplessness. This may be your partner, a friend, a family member. Invite them to challenge you every time you begin talking out of your learned helplessness. Let them say, 'Stop, there you go again!' each time they hear you going into the rut of your despair.

Remember, Tell this lie to go to hell - "My life is what it is, I can't change it!"

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen

P.S. If you wish to learn more about learned helplessness, see this website;
http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/discouragement/helplessness.html

"I know Dad died this year, but we have to put up the tree and decorate the house!"

"Sure our Mom died, but we still have to come to your house for Christmas. It won't be Christmas unless we come to your house!"

"I don't have the energy to shop after this fall's surgery but I have to shop and buy all those presents. The family is counting on me!"

"I know that Christmas Eve for mass but there are too many memories this year without Grandma there - I don't want to go!"

Every holiday season, families go through these kinds of discussions.

I hear them in my office and in people's homes as I visit them about their griefs.

We feel that we are bound by the traditions and rituals of our family.

Here are some thoughts:

* People are created for rituals and traditions; ritruals and traditions are not created for people. We don't have to prisoners of past ways of doing the holidays.

* Self-care means that we pay more attention to ourself than we do to the expectations of others. At the first Christmas season following her husband's death, one woman decided to go to Disneyland with her sisters. She decided she wasn't dishonoring her husband by taking care of herself. I have heard of other widows and widowers who went on cruises during the holiday season following their spouses' deaths.

* Frank declarations of our lack of energy following the experience of loss are needed if we are going to take care of ourselves. "I don't have the energy to host the whole family." "I don't have the energy to decorate like I used to." These declarations may come as a shock to our loved ones, but they are necessary if we are going to experience ongoing healing.

* If we do decide to attend worship services in this season, we need to prepare ourselves for the possibility of dealing with people's comments, e.g. "How are you doing?", and with encountering sights and sounds which will remind us of our loved one.

I was sitting in a church service one year when the congregation began singing, 'Away in a Manger'. Suddenly I was overcome by grief. I quickly realized that I was grieving a two year old child who had died three years previously. (My wife babysat this child and in the Christmas season prior to her murder, her favorite carol was Away in a Manger.)

Be prepared for these moments. You may even want to sit near an exit so you can excuse yourself if you worry about becoming overwhelmed by the sights and sounds of the service.

* Our loved one would want us to care for ourselves in this season. Perhaps this holiday was treasured by our loved one; our loved one would not want us to be put into turmoil because of the season. Our loved one would admire and support our courage to deal with this holiday in a way which expressed love for ourselves.

If you are struggling with this holiday season, realize that you have permission to tell this lie to go to hell - I have to celebrate the Holidays!

(c) Ronald Friesen 2007

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop chewing your nails?"

Has anyone ever said this to you?

Have you ever said it to someone else?

I am learning more about 'self-comfort' these days. Self-comfort isn't about indulgence - it is how we instinctually care for ourselves.

The other day a fellow counselor shared how his client was chewing his nails in the session. Traditional counseling (and parenting) might point this out to the client and tell him to stop.

It has come to my attention that chewing one's fingernails is a form of self-comfort.

If this is the case, then reprimanding someone for comforting themselves doesn't really work. Everyone needs some way to take care of themselves. Some people tap their foot, some tap the table, some play with their hair, some rub their leg or arm, some chew gum.
Everyone has some way to taking care of themselves, especially, when they feel anxious.

So here is how I would discuss this form of self-care with a client:

'I notice you are taking care of yourself today. It's hard talking about this stuff, isn't it?'

(Pause - at this point the client might ask, what do you mean? or just sit and looked puzzled.)

"I see that you are taking care of your anxiety by chewing your nails. I think it is important for us to take care of ourselves when we are anxious. Do you do this often?'

Following a discussion of this behavior and other behaviors which client might use to take care of himself - the client might be asked if they would like to learn other self-care methods.

How do you take care of yourself?

Have people ever tried to talk you out of the ways that you take care of yourself?

We all have ways to take care of ourselves. If we don't like our current way of doing so, we can find new ways.

Tell this lie to go to hell - "You have to stop chewing your nails!"

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen